Every mother knows the pain of labor and childbirth.  There are ladies who would give anything to experience that pain.  Instead, they live with the pain of infertility. It is a quiet but constant pain that comes every time they see another minus sign on their pregnancy test, every time they go to a friend’s baby shower, every time they hold their new nephew or niece, and every time they hear that well-meaning but devastating question: “When are you two going to start a family?”  Let’s talk about infertility, it’s disappointment, it’s causes, and some tips for coping with infertility.

Infertility Is A Dream-Thief

God’s first words to the newly created first couple were, “Be fruitful and multiply.”  That directive became a drive wired into every man and woman, but especially into women.  Every generation of little girls since the dawn of time has played with baby dolls, imagining themselves as mothers. A woman’s view of herself, of her worth, her role, her purpose, and more are tied to her ability to procreate.  When infertility takes that away, women feel confusion, anger, guilt, blame, anxiety, depression, and sadness.  Couples experience a process called grief, the emotions that accompany a serious loss. 

In the Bible, there are no less than twenty accounts of women who were “barren,” and the Bible authors do not blink when describing the intensity of their distress.  Jacob’s wife, Rebecca, told him, “Give me a child or I will die!”  Hannah went to the temple and prayed and cried out with such despair that the priest Eli scolded her for being drunk.  She responded, “I am not drunk but oppressed in spirit.”  This same pain is experienced by every woman who receives the diagnosis of infertility.  From desperation to depression, many emotions overwhelm her.   

Causes Of Infertility

According to the Mayo Clinic, 10-15% of couples in the United States are infertile. The CDC reports that about 6% of married women ages 15-44 are unable to conceive after a year of regular unprotected sex, which is the clinical definition of infertility.  There are several reasons why this happens:

• Ovulation Disorders that block the release of eggs from the ovaries.  These include hormonal disorders, too much or too little thyroid, over-exercising, eating disorders, or tumors.

• Uterine or Cervical Abnormalities such as uterine polyps, the shape of the uterus, or tumors in the uterine wall that block the fallopian tubes.     

• Fallopian Tube Damage/Blockage, which is often caused by inflammation of the fallopian tubes.  This can result from a history of pelvic inflammation brought on by STD’s, endometriosis, or adhesions from things like appendicitis or pelvic surgery.

• Early Menopause causes the ovaries to stop working and menstruation to end before 40.

• Cancer/Cancer Treatment, especially with reproductive cancers often impair fertility.

 Tips For Coping With Infertility

What do you do if you are dealing with the reality of infertility in your marriage?  How do you go about coping with infertility?  Here are some tips as you work through your infertility issues: 

Tackle this as a couple. 

Whichever one of you the doctor singles out as the “problem,” it is not true.  This is not a person problem, this is a couple problem.  This is not her challenge or his challenge to bear alone, but it’s a challenge that you both have a stake in, so it is best dealt with by both of you together as a united front.

Learn all you can about infertility. 

Knowledge is power, so as you are coping with infertility, educate yourself about the medical as well as the mental/emotional issues surrounding infertility.  This will help you feel less powerless.

Enlist a support system. 

You each need support individually, and you need support as a couple.  Who can you talk to that will understand and empathize?  Yes, you need to support one another as husband and wife, but that can get exhausting.  You also need support outside your marriage with perhaps a support group, a connection group at your church, or a trained therapist.

Manage your stress. 

Infertility is stressful, so it will help to learn relaxation techniques like prayer, meditation, breathing, etc.  Exercise, eat right, get plenty of rest, take a day off, go on vacations, have regular date nights. These are things you can do to keep stress down and balance in your life.

Identify what you can and can’t control. 

You do have control over your job, but you don’t have control over what happens during a treatment cycle.  You do control the way you manage taking your shots, monitor your cycle, etc., but you don’t have control over how many follicles you produce or even if you conceive.  Control what you can and don’t stress over what you can’t.  Someone said, “If you can control it, it’s unnecessary to worry about it.  If you can’t control it, it’s futile to worry about it.”  The lesson is, don’t worry about it.  Just control what you can.

Re-evaluate and re-examine. 

From time to time, it’s good to revisit your goals.  Feelings and goals change over time.  Maybe after you have started a journey of fertility treatments, after a time you may feel differently about whether you want to proceed or if the reality of treatment is more than you thought it would be.  You might want to ask how much longer you are willing to try or if you want to consider other options.  Most people who stop infertility treatments, not because money runs out but because they run out of emotional bandwidth.

Consider counseling. 

Counseling isn’t always just for problems.  It is also for support.  You can get help with decision-making, coping skills, and emotional healing in counseling, which are all things you need as you travel this road together. 

If you are coping with infertility, I urge you to read about couples counseling, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation. 

Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage And Family Therapist Associate under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.