One of the worst things that can happen to any marriage is an affair.  We see it all the time in marriage counseling, a relationship in tatters from infidelity.  The good news is that, after an affair the relationship wound can be repaired, but the bad news is that the scar will always be there.  The best healing is prevention, and one way to prevent an affair is to understand the subtle way it can start. 

An Emotional Affair Begins With Friendship

We think of an affair as a married person cheating on their spouse and having sex with someone else.  But that is not the only kind of affair.  An emotional affair is also an affair, an affair of the mind and emotions.  It happens when someone invests themselves emotionally into an opposite sex friend and then receives more emotional support from that friend than from their spouse. 

Emotional affairs start as harmless friendships, but when a needy husband or wife invests in that friendship and becomes emotionally connected and reliant on that person more than on his or her partner, it can and usually does develop into a physical relationship.  Emotional affairs, while they start out platonic, eventually drift into flirting, touching, and sexual attraction.  At some point, the nature of the relationship becomes secretive, which is poison to any marriage relationship.  The big lie is that an emotional affair is harmless.  Even if the emotional affair never becomes physical, the impact it has on the marriage is as damaging because trust is broken. The partner is left feeling betrayed and inadequate.   

What Causes An Emotional Affair?

Ironically, most people who have an emotional affair are trying not to.  They convince themselves that it’s not an affair because there is no sex.  “We’re just sharing our feelings.”  “We’re just friends.”  “We’re not doing anything.” Usually, what happens is that a person feels neglected, misunderstood, overlooked,

unvalued, or disconnected in the marriage.  They begin to find in a friend the emotional support that they are craving yet missing.  Or, it could be that the person is bored in the marriage and maybe wants to make their spouse jealous. Sometimes it is because of a problem with sexual intimacy in the marriage or a feeling of being sexually rejected, so they seek emotional intimacy outside the relationship. 

New relationships are exciting and addictive.  It is like a drug.  It produces dopamine that is the same chemical in drugs that produces the rush and euphoria.  On top of this, the human brain is wired for connection. Humans crave emotional connection more than food or sex; it is the glue that holds relationships together.  If that emotional connection is missing in the marriage, a person will be very prone to seeking it outside the marriage. 

This does not justify an emotional affair, but these are usually the kind of factors that can lead a man or woman to get involved in a “special friendship” with a person of the opposite sex outside the marriage.  Often, they will even realize that these needs are not being met in the marriage and will say things like, “You aren’t meeting my need for _______________, so I’m getting that from this friendship.  But nothing is happening; we’re not doing anything; we’re just friends.”  But it usually doesn’t stay that way.  Sexual attraction and sexual betrayal almost always follow at some point. 

If You Are The Victim Of An Emotional Affair

If you suspect or have discovered that your partner is involved in an emotional affair, you are hurting. The assurances that “nothing has happened; we’re just friends; it’s not physical” don’t help.  It still feels like betrayal.  The thought that your spouse has a pet name, favorite song, special restaurant, inside jokes, bonding experiences, etc. with someone else tortures you.  The very idea that the private affections that were yours alone are being given to someone else is traumatizing to your heart. 

You feel robbed of the things that were once yours alone, things that were sacred and special.  You rightly believe that you are the one who should hold that special, unreplaceable spot in your spouse’s heart, and now you have lost that first place.  You might feel panic and despair, or feel inadequate. 

Fixating on things you’ve heard said or re-reading text messages or e-mails will only trigger your anxiety, which can spiral out of control.  You might even develop PTSD, which will cause fear and panic attacks.  You will get triggered by social gatherings, driving by certain places, the ring of the cell phone.  You may have trouble sleeping.  You might have recurring and/or racing thoughts.  You will probably feel anger.  Your partner will likely make excuses and be in denial and unable to acknowledge how he or she hurt you and how betrayed and afraid you are.  And the more in denial he or she is, the angrier you will become, and the longer your fights will last.  You will become trapped in a negative conflict cycle. 

This where Emotionally Focused Therapy can help.  You need to be able to share your feelings with your partner and be heard empathetically.  Trust needs to be rebuilt and you need to repair and reconnect.  In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we can help you get out of attack mode and express your hurts and fears in a way that will be heard.  We will help your spouse express understanding and compassion and make a real apology.  You will both be able to work on reclaiming the ground that the destroyer stole.  It will not be quick or easy, but 90% of couples who complete 8 – 20 sessions of EFT show significant improvement and 72% are able to rebuild the relationship and move into a healthier relationship than before. 

If you are struggling with an emotional affair, I urge you to read about couples counseling and then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to reconnection. 

Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a certified EFT Therapist.