My husband and I have lately been watching British movies of Charles Dickens novels.  Recently, we watched “A Tale Of Two Cities,” which begins with those famous words: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”  It hit me that those words could well describe marriage.  Marriage can be the best and it can be the worst.  It all depends on the nature of the couple’s attachment.  When a couple is securely attached, marriage is the best; but when they are insecurely attached, it is the worst.

At SoulCare Counseling, we practice a therapy model called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which is designed to move couples from insecure attachment to secure attachment.  Without exception, every couple that comes into the counseling room in distress is insecurely attached.  The only way to move them from distress to delight is to help them move out of their insecure attachment style and into a secure attachment style.

To Save A Struggling Marriage, Seek Secure Attachment

If you want to save your struggling marriage, you need to first envision a healthy marriage.  What makes a marriage strong? It is secure attachment. The developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson, says correctly that every couple is constantly asking one another this question: “Are you there for me?”  The word, are, makes an acrostic of the three signs of a secure attachment, the three things that every couple needs from one another in order to have a strong, safe, secure, fulfilling bond.  When these are present, it is the best of times.   

A-ccessible. 

In secure relationships, the partners are accessible to one another.  They can easily get and keep one another’s attention.  They are able to call or text one another during the day and get through with no problem.  When they are together, she isn’t glued to her cell phone playing a game or reading texts and emails, tuning him out.  When he’s watching TV and she says something to him, he doesn’t grunt and ignore her, but he pauses the show or turns it off to give her his total attention.  They’re not distracted and unavailable, but they are there for each another. 

R-esponsive. 

In secure relationships, the partners are also responsive to one another.  They respond in ways that say, “I care about you and I’m concerned about you.”  I recently got interested in researching dog food for our English bulldogs. My husband is not the “dog person” in the family; I am. But when I shared my findings with him, he gave me his full attention and said he supported my choices 100%. As a result of his responsiveness, I felt closer to him and he said he felt closer to me.  Responsiveness, even in boring subjects like dog food, says to a spouse, “I care about you and you matter to me.”

E-ngaged. 

In secure relationships, the partners will also be engaged with one another. They will actively and meaningfully talk to each other, look at each other, emotionally connect with each other.  When you see couples at a restaurant sitting across from one another and never looking at one another or speaking to one another, you are watching a disconnected relationship.  It takes energy and effort to stay engaged, especially after decades in a relationship, but intentionally, actively participating in one another’s lives day after day, year after year, is vital to a strong and intimate bond. 

To Save A Struggling Marriage, Name The Enemy
The Enemy Is Insecure Attachment

When couples are not accessible, responsive, and engaged, insecure attachment is the result. This is the point where couples start asking how to save a struggling marriage. Disconnection in a relationship that always results from insecure attachment is the worst of times as partners start to feel alone and lonely so that negative cycles of conflict arise and escalate.  Disconnected couples will manifest three strategies of coping with their insecure attachment.

Anxious Attachment

One partner will fall into an anxious attachment style and stridently pursue the other partner with nagging, blaming, criticizing, complaining, etc.  The brain sends an alarm bell that the attachment bond is in trouble.  This arouses an emotion of anger, sadness, fear, surprise/confusion, which then triggers a protective action of stridently pursuing in an attempt to pull the partner close.

Avoidant Attachment

The other partner will respond with an avoidant attachment style and shut down, go silent, withdraw, or physically leave.  The strident pursuing of the first spouse sets off an alarm in the second spouse that the attachment bond is in trouble.  This arouses emotions that trigger a protective action of disengaging in an attempt to mitigate the damage to the relationship.

Disorganized Attachment

When one or both partners are trauma survivors, they will respond to relationship distress by a combination of pursuing and withdrawing in a “I love you/I hate you; Come close/Go away” disorganized kind of strategy. 

Ironically, both partners in their own clumsy, destructive ways are after the same thing: connection. They want to save their struggling marriage, but need a trained EFT therapist to help them see their insecure attachment style and the negative cycle it causes, access and communicate the emotions driving it, repair the damage, and reconnect in a new, secure attachment style. 

If you and your partner want to save your struggling marriage, we can help you find the secure attachment you both long for. I encourage you to read about couples counseling, and reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation.

 Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy.  She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling.