As therapists who work with Emotionally Focused Therapy, we see both the pain and power of intimacy.  Ironically, love can hurt us but love can also heal us.  The bitter and the sweet are in the same fountain. An intimate relationship, when it loses safety and security, can be a torture chamber inflicting pain. But when safety and security are in place, it can be a healing chamber healing pain.  That is the goal of EFT. 

Trauma Affects Relationships By
Creating A Chaotic Attachment Style

There are many things that happen before a marriage, outside of a marriage, and inside of a marriage relationship that can cause trauma.  Some are intentional and some unintentional. Things like marital conflict, affairs, miscarriage, death of a child, chronic illness, loss of a job are a few traumas that can happen within a marriage.  But there are also traumas that can happen outside of the marriage such as a car crash, combat, getting mugged, a work-related accident, etc. while away from the spouse.  Then there are traumas that one or both partners bring into the marriage, such as combat stress, sexual abuse, childhood abuse, spousal abuse from a previous marriage, to name a few. 

The way that trauma affects relationships is that when one or both partners in a marriage have trauma, the trauma creates a disorganized, or chaotic, attachment style.  In a disorganized/chaotic attachment style, the traumatized person pulls their partner close but then pushes them away, going back and forth between wanting intimacy and fearing intimacy.  The closeness they crave as human beings is the very thing that traumatized them. 

Trauma Affects Relationships By
Creating Disconnection

Whether trauma happened before the marriage, outside the marriage, or within the marriage, it has the same result: trauma creates a disconnection from others and the world around us.  People with trauma tend to isolate themselves, which causes its own kind of trauma: the desperate need for closeness but the inability to sustain it without sabotaging it. With the one-two punch of of trauma’s chaotic attachment style and the disconnection it creates, trauma affects the relationship in a very negative way.  Couples where one or both of the partners have trauma get deeply stuck in conflict and disconnection, and they need someone to come alongside them and help them get unstuck. 

When Trauma Affects A Relationship,
Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help

What trauma does to a person is, it causes de-regulation. That means the person loses the ability to regulate their emotions and relate to people in a healthy way.   The perfect place for a trauma survivor to learn to re-regulate his or her emotions and gain a sense of well-being is in a safe, connected relationship.  That is the focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy.  In EFT couple counseling sessions, we help partners create a safe harbor and secure haven with one another in which healing from traumas can happen and new patterns of interacting can take root and grow. 

We talk about the things that have the couple stuck and trapped in a negative cycle of conflict, create a space where deep feelings can be shared and received, repair wounds and start to re-connect as partners and lovers on a deep emotional and spiritual level.  We find ways to work through the trauma of affairs, losses, hurtful words, past scars, past abuse, etc. and regain trust and the bond that drew the couple to one another in the first place. 

Research proves that when couples have this safe, secure connection, it creates a resiliency against future traumas and stressors like nothing else can.  Study after study into Emotionally Focused Therapy shows 90% effectiveness in creating greater happiness and improvement of the relationship after 8-20 sessions.  That’s why it is the most sought-after form of couple’s therapy. 

If you are struggling in your marriage and trauma is affecting your relationship, I urge you read about trauma therapy and reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to that happy marriage you long for. 

Amber Bezney is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S and Certified EFT Therapist.  She holds a Masters of Education in Marriage and Family and Couples Counseling.