Emotionally Focused Therapy is known for its effectiveness with couple conflict, but did you know that Emotionally Focused Therapy also helps families resolve conflict?  Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) works with the negative conflict cycles that happen within family dynamics.  It could be the help that your family is needing. 

What Causes Family Conflict? Two Common Misconceptions

If you asked a typical person what they believe is at the root of family conflict, they would likely say it’s a couple of things: 

Poor Communication

Many people, and many therapists, believe that family conflict is the result of family members not knowing how to communicate.  Therefore, they say the solution is to learn better communication skills. But communication skills aren’t always the issue. Good communicators can still get in conflict.  

And, frankly, most people know how to communicate.  They communicate just fine with their friends, co-workers, and people in the community at large.  But they have a hard time communicating with their family, parents, and children.  Why?  Because communication skills don’t fix the root issues driving family conflict.  In fact, when a person gets triggered, the frontal cortex of the brain that is in charge of communication goes off line and they start reacting at lightning speed from another place.  No one, when they are in an emotionally triggered state, thinks to stop and use communication skills. 

A Problem Parent Or Problem Child

Another misconception about what causes family conflict is problem parents or a problem kid or kids.  That is one reason why people are hesitant to do family counseling.  Parents believe that the therapist will blame them and point out all their failures as parents, and try to “fix” their poor parenting skills.  Or the child or children believe that the therapist and the parents will gang up on them and they will be shamed and blamed.  With that expectation, any family that by some miracle did choose to go to family counseling would go in with their defensive shields up.   

The brutal truth is that no parent and no child is perfect.  Every parent was failed by their parents and in turn fails their children who will then turn around and fail their children, and on and on and on.  We are all flawed children and flawed parents. But placing blame will never help your family have a peaceful, happy, healthy family life.  The answer is to address the issue that is driving the conflict, and it’s not a person…not a bad parent…not a bad child.

What Does Cause Family Conflict?

If poor communication or problem parents/children are not the cause of family conflict, then what is?  Even if poor communication or a family member is acting out…and that can and does happen…the root of the family distress is that family members are struggling with attachment and relationship challenges.  Things like the sense of safety and security of the family bond is being wounded or threatened and that threat or wound to the relational connection is causing conflict and dysfunction.  All the communication techniques, identification of the problem person, or labeling family members with mental health disorders won’t fix that disconnection.  The family members connections with one another have to be repaired and restored in order for the family bonds to be strong again. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Resolve Family Conflict

An EFT therapist can help your family understand the unmet needs that are driving the negative conflict cycle that is blocking closeness in your family. She will help you understand your family’s distress in terms of the attachment needs that are at play so that you understand that it is the attachment struggle, not poor communication and not problem parents or children, that is the source of your problems.  Instead of blaming one another, you will begin to view the negative cycle as the problem.  The therapist will help you recognize and share your primary, core emotional needs that are being threatened or wounded, which then drive your negative conflict.  You will work with those emotions and share them with your family in a way that will be heard and received.  New patterns of healthy, positive interactions will be fostered, and you will feel loved, connected, heard, and understood. 

Family therapy won’t keep your family from ever having issues or even having conflict, but it will enable you to repair, learn, and grow from it.  Disconnection will be less and less frequent as will the endless cycle of conflict that you now get stuck in.  Eventually, you will be able to see the negative cycle coming on, stop it and say, “This is that negative cycle we learned about.  Let’s not let it take this time.”  And you’ll be able to provide a safer space to reach out to one another, deal with the issue driving the conflict, repair, soothe, and reconnect. 

The cure for the negative cycle is secure bonds. That’s what we work on in Emotionally Focused Therapy.  Notice that it’s called “therapy.”  Like “physical therapy,” it’s relationship therapy.  And so, it’s work, but it’s good work that’s worth the time and effort.  

If you are ready to resolve family conflict with EFT, I urge you to read more about family therapy, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for a free, no obligation thirty-minute consultation.  Even if your family is not in conflict, but just has some bumps and bruises, the time to start exercise isn’t when you’re sick, so why wait until your family is in trouble before you start family therapy.  At whatever stage you are in with your family conflict, now is the time to get help.  

Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.