If you are new to the term “Emotionally Focused Therapy” and doing some research on what it is and how it works, there is no doubt that you’re wondering, “What can I expect in the Emotionally Focused Therapy counseling sessions?”  That’s a great question.  Let me break it down so you can know what to expect.  I won’t talk about what Emotionally Focused Therapy is because there are plenty of blogs on our website that answer that question. But I want to focus on the process of EFT.  And I think that, once you get a sense of what EFT does and how it works, you will realize that it is just what you’ve been looking for to repair and reconnect with your partner. 

Expect Emotionally Focused Therapy to Start By Establishing A Therapeutic Alliance

Couples come into counseling, especially when it is their first time in counseling, with feelings of fear, uncertainty, suspicion, dread, hope, expectation, etc.  The therapist’s first and constant job is to make sure that each partner feels comfortable that the therapist is for them and really understands and empathizes with what they are experiencing.  In Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can expect that the counselors will make it clear that they are not on the side of one partner or the other; they are on the side of the marriage and are working hard for the relationship to win.  So, the therapist will often ask, “Am I getting this right? Am I understanding?”  Unlike most therapy models, EFT is deeply emotional.  The therapist will actually seek to feel your emotions with you and join you your experience.  This is not an “act,” it’s real.  The therapist does care. 

Expect To Follow The Stages Of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Unlike many counseling methodologies that have no real roadmap to follow, what you can expect in Emotionally Focused Therapy is that the process has a definite beginning, middle, and end.  There is a three-stage process with nine steps.  The therapist is taking you on a journey of reconnection.  The first stage revolves around de-escalation, which I’m going to focus on in this blog.  Most couples come to counseling because they are at the end of their rope.  They are stuck in a cycle of conflict that they can’t get themselves out of.  They are usually escalated in this conflict.  That is, they are fighting and emotions are running high.  They are trapped in an “attack-defend” mode and need the therapist to “bring them down” so that they can work on the dynamics of their relationship with more safety and trust.  

In stage one, the first step is to assess the primary issues in your relationship and your relationship history.  The second step is to identify and track the role each partner plays in the negative cycle of conflict that has you trapped.  More on this later.  The third step is to recognize the underlying attachment needs and emotions that are triggering your negative cycle when they get threatened or wounded.  And the final step in this stage is to reframe all of these things in terms of your need for connection.  

Stage two revolves around creating a new bond.  And stage three revolves around consolidating the changes.  Both of these stages are shorter and are focused on stabilizing the work done in stage one.  Many people ask how long EFT takes.  The answer is that it depends on you.  No two couples are the same.  Some can move through the work in about 8 weeks.  Some need much longer.  It depends on how entrenched you are in your disconnection and how willing you are to be vulnerable and do the emotional work required to repair and reconnect.  

Expect To Assess Your Negative Cycle

The therapist will listen for cues as you each talk about your relationship and the issues you’re having.  Believe it or not, the therapist isn’t really interested in the content of what you fight about and who is right or wrong.  What the therapist is listening for is what role each partner plays in the cycle. What you can expect in Emotionally Focused Therapy is that your therapist will work with you to assess your negative cycle and what it looks like in your relationship.

Every relationship conflict is like a ballroom dance where one partner moves forward and the other moves back in response.  In marital conflict, one partner is what we call the “pursuer” and the other person is the “withdrawer.”  Usually, but not always, the woman is the pursuer and the man is the withdrawer.  The pursuer is the one who points out the problems and tries to engage their partner to engage so that the problem can be fixed.  When there is resistance, they repeat and increase the intensity of their attempts, and then become frustrated and go into criticism and blaming.  Their motive is not to cause a fight.  It’s actually to bring the couple closer together, but the behaviors they have learned since early childhood to use when their connection to another person is in trouble, are dysfunctional and destructive.  But these are the only moves they know, so they keep using them hoping each time for a different result.  

The withdrawer is the one who gets defensive when the pursuer keeps demanding and criticizing.  The withdrawers learned response from early childhood is to shut down emotionally and get quiet, stop talking, and eventually leave.  The more the withdrawer withdraws, the more intensely the pursuer seeks engagement, and it spirals out of control.  This is why we call it the negative cycle.  It’s like a cyclone that gets started and grows into a vortex of destruction that sucks up both partners until it finally blows itself out leaving each partner wounded and confused.  

Expect To Explore The Negative Cycle

In stage one, the therapist will explore last time the couple had a conflict trying to identify each partner’s role.  Who was the pursuer?  Who was the withdrawer?  What did that look like?  What got it started?  What was the emotion that each partner felt in that moment?  With work, the couple will begin to be able to identify the deep, underlying attachment need and the emotion it created such as a fear of abandonment, a fear of inadequacy, or a fear of repeating a childhood trauma.  Often, and ideally, the couple will actually begin to feel those emotions in the therapy room.  This is good because the therapist will help you explore them in that safe and secure environment where the therapist keeps the emotions from spinning out of control but helps you understand them and communicate them to your partner in a way that will be received.  When your emotions are validated by your partner, it is an incredibly healing thing.  Nothing bonds you like having your deepest needs and feelings understood and validated by someone you love and likewise for finally understanding the deep longings that cause your partner to act the way he or she does.  It’s like a light switch gets turned on and you see one another for the first time. 

If you are your partner are stuck in a cycle of conflict, at SoulCare Counseling we can help.  We are one of the very few counseling practices that is Christian-based and exclusively uses Emotionally Focused Therapy.  I encourage you to read more about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to reconnection. 

Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor.  She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and am a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.