You have already decided that you need to go to a counselor, or you wouldn’t be reading this article.  But which counselor?  Counselors aren’t like mechanics or dentists that are all basically the same, so you just choose one close to home.  Counselors are not all the same.  A quick Google search of “types of counseling therapy” will reveal well over sixty very different approaches to counseling in use today.  They all work to some degree, or no one would use them, but the question you need to ask is, “Which one works best?”

The answer is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).  EFT is recognized by the American Psychological Association as a best-practice, empirically-based model for working with couples in distress.  Rigorous outcome studies conducted in 1999 showed that Emotionally Focused Therapy had a higher effect size (success rate) than any other couple intervention.  70-75% of couples who use EFT move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements. Compare this to about 20% for other therapy models. Studies consistently show that significant progress not only happens in the counseling room, but progress continues after therapy.  This is unusual in the field of psychotherapy.  This is because Emotionally Focused Therapy is the only model of couple intervention that uses a systematic empirically validated theory of adult bonding as the basis for understanding and alleviating relationship problems.  Studies also consistently show positive results with clients and couples facing co-morbidities such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  Emotionally Focused Therapy is also shown to work effectively across different populations and problems.  No other counseling therapy model can make these claims!

What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed in the early 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Les Greenberg.  It’s based on John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, Carl Rogers’s Experiential Theory, and Salvador Minuchin’s Structural Theories.  Attachment theory explains why when we are hurt or betrayed by our partner, it feels as scary as an infant being abandoned by its mother.  Experiential theory explains the capacity of humans to grow and adapt in their emotional responses and needs through the experience of discovery and exploration.  Structural theories explain how behavior and relationships are intertwined. Emotionally Focused Theory combines and adds to these three foundational theories.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is the process of helping a couple move out of insecure attachment to secure attachment. Secure attachment is when couples are Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged (A.R.E.).  To the question, “Are you there for me?” the answer is yes. But when a partner is perceived as inaccessible, unresponsive, and disengaged, insecure attachment occurs.  Insecure attachment manifests in three ways: anxious pursuing, avoidant withdrawing, or a disorganized combination of both (typical of trauma survivors).  With an insecurely attached couple, one partner will be the pursuer who nags, blames, complains, criticizes, etc., and one will be the withdrawer who shuts down, goes silent, and withdraws. This pattern creates a negative cycle that, like the vortex of a tornado, escalates and damages.

The EFT therapist will help the couple see their negative cycle and each of their roles in it, identify their true attachment need, communicate it to their partner in a vulnerable way that creates connection, and move out of the negative cycle and into a secure attachment style.  The ultimate outcome of therapy is that the partners get a new sense of self and a new way of relating to one another, which evokes new responses. 

To accomplish this, your EFT therapist will follow an overall therapy plan with three stages and nine steps.  Each stage with its steps builds on the previous stages and steps.

The Stages And Steps Of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Stage 1: CALM - Complete a de-escalation

            Step 1: Do alliance and assessment

            Step 2: Track the negative cycle

            Step 3: Access the primary emotions

            Step 4: Reframe the problem

Stage 2: CHANGE - Change their automatic responses to each other

            Step 5: Create engagement with disowned aspects of self

            Step 6: Promote partner’s acceptance

            Step 7: Facilitate the expression of needs and wants

Stage 3: CONSOLIDATE – Consolidate the work

            Step 8: Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old issues

            Step 9: Write a new narrative for the relationship

What Happens In Emotionally Focused Therapy

Many people expect that when they come to couples counseling, the session will turn into a shouting match, and the therapist will choose sides and start scolding and blaming.  Put that fear aside right now.  That will not happen!  In Emotionally Focused Therapy, shouting matches and blame sessions are not allowed. The counselor’s job is to make the counseling room a safe, non-judgmental, non-blaming space.  In addition, the counselor is trained not to take sides, pass judgment, or give opinions.  The counselor is on the side of your relationship and will work hard for it.

So, don’t come to sessions armed with a list of your partner’s faults that need to be fixed.  Instead, come with a warm heart, an accepting attitude, and as much emotional openness as you can gather up.  That may be hard if you and your partner are escalated, but please try.  You’ll get the best results if you will.  We will spend our time working together on your relationship, especially the emotions and patterns that are causing disconnection.  And over time, if we all work together, we’ll see change from insecure attachment to secure attachment.

About SoulCare Counseling

SoulCare Counseling is a Christian counseling center in Colleyville, Texas.  It was founded by Drs. Mark Riley and Bernis Riley in 2007.  Dr. Mark Riley served as pastor of six churches over 44 years before retiring in 2020 to be the fulltime Executive Director of SoulCare Counseling.  Dr. Bernis Riley started her career as a Medical Technologist, but after years of counseling women as a pastor’s wife, went back to school to earn her Masters degree in counseling from Liberty University and then her Doctor of Psychology degree from California Southern University.  She is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy and supervises counseling associates, graduate students, and counselors seeking EFT certification.  She is also the Clinical Director and Counseling Supervisor of SoulCare Counseling. 

SoulCare Counseling is located at 1706 Tennison Parkway, Suite 140 in beautiful Colleyville, Texas.  Colleyville is between Grapevine, Southlake, Bedford, and Hurst in the mid-cities.  Counseling is done in our offices or by telecounseling for those within the state of Texas.  Our counselors are all evangelical Christians either working on their master’s degree in counseling or with a master’s degree in counseling and working on their hours required for licensure by the state of Texas or they are Licensed Professional Counselors in Texas.

What Is The Next Step?

If you’re ready to move forward with Emotionally Focused Therapy, the next step is to contact us and schedule a free thirty-minute consultation where we will discuss your goals for counseling and answer your questions about EFT, the counselor, or anything you like.  This is your opportunity to see if EFT and your EFT counselor feel like a good fit.  If so, we will schedule your first appointment, give you some paperwork to fill out and bring to the first appointment, and take partial payment for your first session.