OCPD Can Ruin Your Relationship

Most people are familiar with OCD, or “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” Whether it’s Sheldon Cooper in “The Big Bang Theory,” Monica Geller in “Friends,” Bob Wiley in “What About Bob,” or Adrian Monk in “Monk,” we’ve seen this disorder portrayed plenty in our pop culture. I see it demonstrated daily in my marriage. My husband can’t sit at a restaurant without straightening the placemat and centering the salt and pepper shakers. On the partner’s desk we share in our home office, his side is perfectly ordered and mine, not so much.

As long as OCD stays in its lane, it’s not something to worry about. In fact, orderliness and attention to detail is a good thing. My husband is great at hanging pictures, doing taxes, and handling all the administrative details of our counseling practice. And we can laugh about his OCD. It’s not a problem.

When OCD Becomes OCPD, It Can Ruin Your Relationship

OCD can become a problem if it becomes OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. What is the difference in OCD and OCPD? People with OCD know that their behavior isn’t normal. They do their rituals and behaviors to reduce anxiety. However, (and this is important) they don’t feel like everyone else needs to be like they are. In fact, that’s the last thing they want.

But people with OCPD believe that they are normal; everyone else is wrong and should things their way. They have a need to not only order their own world but everyone else’s world to the degree that they become inflexible, intolerant, dictatorial, and superior. Their way is the only right way and when people in their life don’t conform, they become angry and belittling. They are often workaholics who do more than is necessary to get the job done. They become emotionally closed off. When told that they are working too hard or that they need to open up more, they become defensive and insulting. This is obviously harmful to your relationship.

Characteristics of OCPD

The following are some characteristics of people with OCPD:

• They find it difficult to express their feelings.

• They have trouble forming and maintaining close relationships.

• They’re so obsessed with perfection that, even though they work hard, they can be inefficient.

• They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.

• They tend to become isolated socially.

• They can experience anxiety with depression.

Obviously, it is extremely difficult to have a loving, safe, secure, intimate relationship with a person who has OCPD. If your partner has this condition, they make you feel that can never be good enough. Listen, the problem isn’t you. Your partner is living with anxiety that he or she tries to control with a mindset, behaviors, and rules that not only don’t work but that actually make the anxiety worse.

How Can You Help Your Partner with OCPD?

How can you help your partner? Not by arguing. The OCPD mindset won’t allow its victim to admit being wrong. All you can do is show compassion and understanding for their disorder and try to get them into Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Study after study has shown that anxiety disorders such as OCPD are best treated through Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. In EFT, we explore the unmet attachment needs and their primary emotions that are driving this behavior, help you share them in a way that will be received, and repair and reconnect. It’s not easy work, but EFT can help. I encourage you to read more about couples counseling and then reach out to us to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation.