Depression is debilitating for an individual who suffers with it, but it is also debilitating for a marriage.  When one spouse suffers through their darkness in isolation, too fearful or ashamed to share that pain with the other partner, the result is distance, disconnection, and conflict. Spouses can turn against each other because the depressed person feels alone and the partner is frustrated.  Depression can look like laziness or indifference.  When the depressed partner is told to snap out of it, the response is only deeper depression and further withdrawal.

Here are some suggestions for working together to battle depression in your marriage:

 When Your Spouse Is Depressed,
Educate Yourselves About Depression

When your spouse is depressed, he or she is not just being difficult.  He or she is not “weak.” Depression is real and it is common.  It’s estimated that fifteen percent of adults in America will experience depression at some point in their life. In an average year, 16.2 million adults in the US, nearly seven percent of the population, will experience depression.  Women have twice as much probability of experiencing depression than men.  There are many causes of depression: genetics, stress, grief, hormones, thyroid problems, even various medications. 

 When Your Spouse Is Depressed,
Avoid Blaming And Shaming

When your spouse is depressed, there is no “bad guy” to blame or shame.  Your spouse does not want to be depressed, however because he or she is depressed, there is a lot of shame over it.  In depression, a person turns inward and their hurt and anger is turned toward themselves.  Blaming or shaming them for being depressed only reinforces those dark feelings they already feel.

 When Your Spouse Is Depressed,
Do Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy, the type of therapy we do at SoulCare Counseling, is proven to be effective in treating disorders like anxiety and depression.  Ninety percent of those who complete EFT experience significant change.  Your EFT therapist will help you see your negative interactional patterns that deepen the depression and drive you further apart.  You will learn to share your needs and emotions in a way that your partner will receive, and as you do a new relational bond will form that will alleviate the depression.

 When Your Spouse Is Depressed,
Find Non-Judgmental Ways To Support Yourself And Your Partner

When your spouse is depressed, he or she needs your support, not your judgment.  When your spouse risks sharing with you, hearing criticism or blame is like gasoline on a fire. It makes the depression worse. He or she needs you to be a safe person who will give support and help find a way out of the darkness.  Understanding that it is the depression, and not your spouse, that is the problem, it becomes easier to be patient, supportive, and non-judgmental. 

 When Your Spouse Is Depressed, Pray

Philippians 4:6-7 in the New Living Translation says, “Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything.”  Not just the really big things, but everything.  If it matters to you, it matters to God.  When your spouse is depressed, pray about his or her depression and your feelings about it.  Ask God to help you to see your partner as God sees him or her.  Pray for patience.  Pray for grace to show love and kindness no matter what. 

If you are the depressed spouse, pray for God to give your doctor and counselor wisdom to help you discover the roots of your depression and the best way to treat it.  Pray for your partner, thanking God, for him or her.  Practice the presence of God by reading passages like Psalm 23, 34, 40, 143 and pray them back to God.

When Your Spouse Is Depressed,
Work Toward Mutual Understanding

Try to understand what your spouser is feeling.  Seek to connect on an emotional level, especially on those dark days when depression is present.  Stay tuned in to what’s going on with one another.  If you will, that cocoon of understanding and support will become armor that enables you to walk through the minefield of depression together. 

 When You Don’t Understand, Validate

“Validate” means “give value to.”  Even when you don’t completely understand your spouse’s feelings, you can still give value to them.  His or her sadness, heaviness, or fear may make you feel angry because you haven’t done anything to cause those feelings.  However, your anger and his or her sadness can exist in the same room as long as you value one another’s feelings and don’t try to reason the other out of them.

 Treasure The Good Times

No couple lives happily ever after.  There are good days and bad days.  But the good days make you more resilient in the bad days.  Or to say it in counselor-speak, positive experiences create resilience for negative experiences.  Try to do something every day that gives you joy. 

 Let Us Help You

Dealing with depression as a couple isn’t easy, but you can do it.  And I and our counselors at SoulCare are here to give you the help and support you need.  I encourage you to read more about depression treatment, and then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation.

 Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor.