Fix Your Marriage By Learning A New Dance

When our daughter got married, my husband who grew up in a church that taught that dancing is a sin, was faced with a problem: his only daughter wanted him to dance with her at her wedding.  For his daughter, he learned a dance for the song they would dance to.  To this day, it’s the only dance he knows.  The couples I see in marriage counseling are the same way; they have one dance and it’s all they know.  I call it “The Dance of Disconnection.”  But using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I have taught hundreds of couples and I can teach you how to fix your marriage by learning a new dance, “The Dance Of Connection.” 

Fix Your Marriage By Ending The Dance Of Disconnection

When couples come to see me, they do so because they are stuck in a negative cycle of conflict. They’ve tried to break it, but no matter what they do, the fall into the same old cycle of blame and defend, push and pull, attack and withdraw.  One says something, does something, makes a face, takes a tone of voice that triggers a “danger” signal in the other’s brain.  As fast as lightning, the brain sends a message that the relationship is in trouble, and the person repeats a behavior learned in childhood to save the relationship.  The problem is, it’s a negative behavior of complaining, criticizing, nagging, attacking, which causes the partner to defend, go silent, and finally withdraw.  And the more the partner shuts down, the more the first partner attacks.  And it spirals until they are both left helpless wondering what happened.  The dance happened, this terrible infinity loop of disconnection and dysfunction. 

The irony is, both partners are trying to save the relationship.  The “attacker” is only attacking because he or she feels a threat to the relationship that must be repaired…albeit in the worst way possible.  The “withdrawer” is also trying to save the relationship from any further damage by going silent and leaving.  But this two-step dance only makes things worse.  To reconnect with your spouse, you must end this destructive dance of disconnection.

At the heart of this dance of disconnection is what we call “attachment distress.”  When we reach out to our partner and can’t connect or our attempt to connect is rebuffed, we panic.  The frontal cortex of our brain goes offline, the part of the brain that controls logic and reason, and we go into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode and the “auto-pilot” from our childhood takes over either stridently pursuing or avoidantly withdrawing, sometimes both in a kind of chaotic attack-attack, withdraw-withdraw, attack-withdraw thing.  That’s a dance so ugly it rivals that of Elaine’s messy dance on the old TV show ”Seinfeld.”  To fix your marriage, you must learn a new dance. 

Fix Your Marriage By Learning The Dance Of Connection

You are one of the blessed ones because you were looking for a way to fix your marriage and found this website and you’re reading this blog.  I wish everyone knew about Emotionally Focused Therapy, but at least you do…now.  It is the most effective therapy in the world for couples in disconnection.  Studies show that 92% of couples who go through EFT see significant improvement and 75% see lasting change.  That’s compared to about 25% with other couple therapy models.  While most marriage counselors work on communication skills and techniques for fighting fair, EFT therapists know that is a waste of time because the part of the brain that controls logic, communication, and reason is shut down.  EFT goes straight to the heart of the matter, the emotions that trigger the attachment distress fueling the negative dance.  

I help couples see where they get stuck, what emotion gets damaged, and what messages the brain tells each partner in that instant.  Then I help them turn that into connection instead of blame.  In the therapy room, we establish safety where each partner can share their deepest needs and desires in a way that will be heard and received.  I do this by taking the couple through a series of interventions that unravel the negative dance and teaches them the new dance of connection.  Both partners learn how to fight the true enemy, which is not one another, but it is the negative cycle.  They each learn how they both contribute to the negative dance and they learn to experience one another in new ways during the session.  This creates a new bond of love and connection that they had lost.  This all enables to repair and reconnect with their spouse and maintain the connection even through future conflicts. 

If you and your partner are stuck in the negative dance of disconnection and you are ready to fix your marriage by learning the new dance of connection, closeness, and security in your love again, I urge you to read more about Couples Counseling, and then reach out to me to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started in Emotionally Focused Therapy. 

Dr. Bernis Riley is co-founder and Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor with a doctorate in Psychology.  She is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprogramming).  Dr. Riley is taking new clients.