Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?

Of course, men are not all carbon copies of one another.  There are exceptions, but typically because of biology and environment, boys and men tend to be withdrawers emotionally.  Women can also be withdrawers, but it’s more common in men.  And it drives the women in their lives crazy.  Why do men check out emotionally?  Here are some reasons why most men are not emotionally present: 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Men often don’t realize the signals they’re sending.

When a man checks out emotionally and doesn’t respond to his wife with empathy and compassion or join her in laughter and joy, even though he doesn’t mean to send the message that she is unloved and alone, that is exactly the message she receives. This arouses within her the emotion of anger, and the more he pulls away emotionally, the angrier she becomes in response until she explodes with a critical remark, a complaint, or a jab, which starts a cycle of attacking/pursuing and defending/withdrawing that escalates until both are left dazed and disconnected from one another. 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Men can be clueless about their woman’s needs.

During the dating relationship, his hormones were surging and he was attentive to her, which she loved.  It’s one of the reasons why she married him.  But the brain can’t keep the dopamine level on a “10” all the time, so after marriage he settled back into the attachment style he learned growing up. If he had an insecure attachment style that avoids and shuts down his emotions, that’s what he will still do. When a woman brings up something that’s bothering her, an insecure attachment style will cause men to check out emotionally, avoid emotional connection, and instead offer ways to fix it. 

This will cause his wife to become frustrated and confused because he was so attentive before marriage.  He obviously knows how, so why isn’t he there for her now?  When she confronts him with this, it makes him sad and helpless that he can’t make her happy like he did before, which causes him to revert to his life-long pattern of shutting down.  This makes her feel rejected and alone, which starts the cycle again. 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Men sometimes have secret shame.

Shame is a powerful emotion that causes a man to feel that he is not worthy of his woman’s love. When a man believes that he can’t make his woman happy, his shame is triggered, which causes men to check out emotionally.  A man will often say, “I can’t get it right.  No matter what I do, it’s the wrong thing.”  But a man will go to great lengths to hide his shame, even from himself.  He will lash out, counter-attack, go silent, leave, or revert to violence to keep from facing this overwhelming emotion.  It is his soft underbelly that he protects at all costs.  He will definitely never reveal it when he is being attacked.  It is only exposed in a safe, non-judgmental environment. 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Men can get emotionally overwhelmed.

Why do men check out emotionally? Because, as boys, men are taught to stuff their emotions and move forward.  So, when their woman starts sending intense emotions at them, men are overcome by her emotions and his own emotions, which is too much.  Like the old pinball machines that would light up the message, “Tilt” and stop working, men tend to shut down when they are flooded with emotions.  The typical man can’t even name his emotions, so he is incapable of processing the flood of emotions coming at him.  It makes him feel like he's going to explode. 

This triggers his brain’s fight, flight, or freeze response.  He may get angry.  He may shut down.  He may be unable to speak.  Unlike his wife, who can remember things that were said long ago or things that were done, his frontal cortex is offline and he can barely remember what happened an hour ago.  But his brain is telling him that, even if he does tell her what he’s feeling and what’s really going on with him, it will only make things worse.  His history growing up has taught him that by showing no emotion he can stop the bleeding and save the relationship. 

Of course, this doesn’t work.  His wife only sees this as more proof that he doesn’t care and that he is not there for her…she is, as she suspected, alone.  And once again, the cycle of conflict is triggered. 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Most men lack an emotional vocabulary.

For centuries, American culture has taught men to push down their emotions and ignore their emotions.  “Big boys don’t cry.  Real men play hurt.”  Most men don’t have the words to even give names to the emotions they are feeling. They say, “bad,” “sad,” or “mad.”  They have no vocabulary for a nuance.  So, when emotions are being expressed or discussed, they become defensive and withdraw.  They are like an adult who never learned to read and suddenly he’s in a reading circle discussing novels. All he knows is that this situation is not safe and unless he shuts down, he will be shamed. 

Why Do Men Check Out Emotionally?
Men with trauma dissociate in conflict.

Men who have experienced trauma disconnect from the present situation when they feel threatened. They shut off their feelings to protect themselves from feeling pain.  In that situation, they literally cannot feel anything.  This can be changed through work with a mental health professional. 

The Good News

The good news in this is that none of these things about men are set in stone.  Men can change. Men can learn the language of emotion and can learn to share their emotions and join with you in your emotions.  He can “be there” for you.  It takes work with a trained therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy, like we are at SoulCare Counseling.  But hard journeys end in beautiful destinations.  His shutting down emotionally can be a thing of the past, if you’re willing to go on that journey together. 

If you and your spouse are disconnected and unable to have that intimate closeness that you long for, I urge you to read about couples counseling and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation.  

Dr. Bernis Riley is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S) with a doctorate in psychology.  She is the Clinical Director and co-founder of SoulCare Counseling.  She is taking new clients.