Why You Can't Stop Fighting

I have heard of couples who say they never fight, never argue, and never have any kind of conflict.  My response is that denial is not a river in Egypt; it’s a place where people who make that kind of claim live. 

The fact is that all couples eventually have conflict.  It is normal, it is natural, it is human. Every human is wired for connection and we have basic attachment needs that drive our relationships.  Whenever the brain perceives that our need for closeness is threatened or damaged, it instantly signals the limbic system and, without even thinking, we do and say things that cause conflict.  In a healthy relationship, couples have conflict but they are able to repair and reconnect soon afterward.  If you are stuck in a cycle of conflict and can’t get unstuck, you may be wondering why you can’t stop fighting.  There is a very good reason.   

Why You Can’t Stop Fighting:
You need to understand attachment theory.

At the root of why you can’t stop fighting is something called “Attachment Theory.”  Here’s a quick overview.  In the 1930’s, a British psychologist named John Bowlby, working with infants separated from their mothers, discovered that there is a survival bond that develops between mother and child that determines the child’s sense of safety and security, how the child will relate with others, and how well the child will be able to survive in this world.  Bowlby observed that when the parent-child bond is secure, the child is able to venture out and explore the world with the ability to return to that secure base for comfort when things get tough.  But when the parent-child bond is threatened or broken, the child experiences distress and uses various behaviors to reconnect with the parent. 

Bowlby’s work was built upon by others and has shown again and again that, not only in childhood but throughout our lives, we need to have strong bonds with our significant relationships (spouse, best friend, family, etc.)  Our hard-wired attachment needs such as the need for intimacy, need for comfort, need for connectedness, need for confirmation that we matter to the other person, still drive our behavior as adults.  Just as in infancy, if those attachment needs are threatened or broken, we experience distress and use various behaviors to try to reconnect.  These attempts at reconnection are usually clumsy, even off-putting to our partner and thus trigger conflict.   

Why You Can’t Stop Fighting:
Blame the negative cycle.

If there is one reason why you can’t stop fighting, it is what we call “the negative cycle.” Conflict in relationships almost always happens in predictable patterns, which we call “the negative cycle.”  It’s like a tornado that starts with some gusts and grows into a destructive vortex.  In your relationship, it can begin with a facial expression, a tone of voice, something that feels like criticism, and each partner, like dancers, take the floor and, without thinking, do the same steps in their dance of disconnection, which spins out of control finally leaving both partners wondering what just happened. 

Think about the last time this happened to you.  Do you even remember the topic that started it?  Probably not.  And even if you do, the conflict wasn’t about whatever the topic was.  Whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher is not what drove the conflict.  What started the fight was someone’s attachment needs getting unmet or feeling like they were unmet. Maybe his not emptying the dishwasher was interpreted by her brain as, “I don’t matter to him; he doesn’t care for me; I’m not safe; I’m not cherished; our relationship is not secure.”  Those messages coupled up with primal emotions of sadness, loneliness, or fear, and triggered a negative cycle, which looked like a fight over dishwasher duties, but it was actually a fight for emotional survival, a fight for re-connection.   

Three Patterns In The Fight For Re-connection

In your last argument/fight/conflict, each of you took a specific role.  Think of this in terms of boxers in the ring attacking and defending, or as dancers on the dance floor leading and following.  There are three very definite steps that humans take in every conflict: 

Pursue/Withdraw

An attachment need is triggered in her and her brain sets off an alarm which activates her to “pursue” her partner to get this need met. Maybe she needs reassurance, or to know that she matters to her partner, or she needs closeness. Unfortunately, she pursues these needs in a strident way with a raised voice, an angry tone, accusations, etc. This causes alarm bells in his brain which activates him to “withdraw” by shutting down, going quiet, or leaving. His attachment need is safety or maybe emotional regulation. Both partners are trying to save the relationship, themselves, and their partner. The result, however, is disconnection.

Pursue/Pursue

In this pattern, she pursues and he withdraws, but at some point, he turns and pursues her. Now she’s pushing and he’s pushing back. This pursue/pursue conflict typically gets loud, names are called, and feelings get deeply hurt. Behind the accusations and name calling are wounded attachment needs, perhaps both have a need to be heard by the other, to be empathized with and understood, or a need to establish safety in the relationship, maybe there’s a need for safety, a need to protect yourself.

Withdraw/Withdraw

Often couples that begin in a Pursue/Withdraw pattern end with a burned-out pursuer. She has reached out to her partner so many times and been rebuffed that she no longer reaches out. The withdrawer might think the relationship is getting better because they’re not fighting, but actually it’s worse because she no longer cares because she’s convinced herself that if she cares, she’ll be hurt or disappointed. Now both partners are self-protecting against getting hurt by the other. It is very difficult, at this point, to trust again. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy
Can Help You Break Your Conflict Cycle

Are you stuck in a negative conflict cycle and you don’t know why you can’t stop fighting? Do you recognize yourself in one of these three patterns?  If your connection with your partner is in distress, we can help.  At SoulCare Counseling, we are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is the most effective therapy for couples experiencing relationship distress.  70-75% of couples who do Emotionally Focused therapy experience change, and 90% completely reconnect into a healthy relationship.  No other therapy model can even come close to making that claim.  That’s because we focus on the root issue of your attachment needs, which are the drivers of all your conflict.  We’ll work with you to identify your negative cycle and the roles each of you play, and most importantly, the attachment needs behind it.  We’ll help you communicate your true needs to one another in a way that will be received.   

I urge you to read more about Couples Counseling, and then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to reconnection. 

Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is also a Certified EFT Therapist. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.