The fact is that all couples eventually have conflict. It is normal, it is natural, it is human. Every human is wired for connection and we have basic attachment needs that drive our relationships.

How can you tell if you have a secure attachment style? Here are some of the marks of secure attachment that you will see in yourself if you have a secure attachment style:

But if saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough to fix what goes wrong in our relationships, what can? An apology. A genuine apology brings understanding, creates empathy, and creates the condition where we can repair and reconnect emotionally.

As long as OCD stays in its lane, it’s not something to worry about. In fact, orderliness and attention to detail is a good thing. My husband is great at hanging pictures, doing taxes, and handling all the administrative details of our counseling practice. And we can laugh about his OCD. It’s not a problem. But OCD can become a problem if it becomes OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Most counseling models have several focuses such as probing past relationships and experiences, teaching communication techniques and negotiation skills, seeking solutions for problems, etc. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we only have one focus: emotion.

If you’ve ever been stuck, you know that helpless, hopeless feeling of trying everything and nothing works. There’s no way to get yourself out. But what if it’s not your car that’s stuck? What if it’s your relationship?

We need closeness and belonging as much as we need food and water. When our brain perceives that a primary relationship is in danger, it goes into overdrive to save it and triggers the attachment style we learned as children. The problem is that only one attachment style is healthy; the others, ironically, are destructive to the relationship they are employed by the brain to save.

Marriage can be the best and it can be the worst. It all depends on the nature of the couple’s attachment. When a couple is securely attached, marriage is the best; but when they are insecurely attached, it is the worst.